Ok I'm calm now!

So it's Saturday - my baby boy Eric has been throwing up all day long.  Poor poor baby boy....my heart aches for him.  So he calls his dad (Bruce) to tell him how he had been throwing up all day.  His dad says he's sorry. Then Eric goes, "Can you come over after work and play with me?" Bruce says, "No sorry I can't do that I don't want to get sick.  Dad has a job and has to work and if I come around you I will get sick". I must add that he is HIS OWN FREAKIN' BOSS!  WTF!!  I guess it doesn't matter if I am around him because ya know I DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN' JOB NOW DO I????!!!!   WTF!!!  It's always been that way with Bruce.  Anyway it gets better read on......

So the day goes on and Tyler had been expecting his dad to come pick him so they could go to the YMCA to work out.  Then Tyler tells me that he wouldn't be coming by because Eric is sick!!!  Now here goes the Bipoler in Bruce.....so he probably starts to feel guilty so the next thing I knew there's a knock at the front door and WOW...it's none other than Bruce. So he comes in (with a half drank beer I might add) and sits across the room and starts talking to Eric.  They small talk for about 2 or 3 minutes  and I hear Eric say, "Daddy, can you stay for a while?" Bruce's response, "No buddy sorry I can't I don't want to get sick. You've been sick all day and I don't want to get sick".  AGAIN WTF?????  UGGHHHHHH!  So I blurted out in my frustration, "Ok Ok we get it YOU DON"T WANNA GET SICK....enough already, the kid feels bad enough and just wants a little of your love and all you can do is remind him that YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SICK!!!!!!"  So now he is giving me the evil stare!!!  Like I care!  Then he looks at me and says, "So what do you think he has?"  ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!  I said, " He has the sniffles, what the heck do you think he has????  The STOMACH FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I am utterly amazed!!!!  This man will be 50 years old in a month - ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS!  Maybe if he put down the beer bottle and stopped smokin' the dope, things would be a little clearer for him.  But that's not gonna happen LIKE EVER!!!! so I learn to deal but when days like today come along it is all I can do to control my temper without (excuse my language) FLIPPIN THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

At that point after I said that he stood up, said "I love you Eric" and walked out the door.  A few minutes later Eric sits up looks out the window and says, "Where did Daddy go?"  I said he had to leave and Eric says," Why didn't he say goodbye to me?"  HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT - TELL ME HOW WITHOUT MAKING HIM FEEL WORSE THAN THE POOR KID ALREADY DOES BECAUSE HIS ASSHOLE OF A FATHER LET HIS ANGER TOWARDS ME ONCE AGAIN TAKE OVER FROM DOING THE "RIGHT" THING!!!  I just sat down next to him and gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him.

Finally, Tyler comes in 30 minutes later from skateboarding with his friends out front.  He said, "Did you see Dad walk in with a beer?"  I said yes. He said, "yeah Alex (his friend) said ..."dude your dad is drunk!!"  WOW.....all I could say to Tyler is that I was sorry and that  I loved him.  He is such a good good kid.  He just says I know mom I love you too.  Breaks my heart, just simply breaks my heart. 

I have been struggling sooooo  bad since Bruce left to not pick up the phone & tell his sorry ass off, but it wouldn't do me any good because he would just deny everything and turn it back around like it was my fault (that's called alcoholism!)  .....I keep hearing Suzie say, "breathe.....inandoutinandoutinandout!!!!"  I too, like Suzie, was so worked up I thought I was going to inhale my kitchen coutertops!!!!!!  What a complete and utter idiot.  I hate feeling and thinking these things.  I have worked so hard to not let them take me over but some days....such as today....when his narsistic, arragont ways just piss me the fuck offfffff!  Oh Lord I am truly sorry for the words and the thoughts that have been flipping around my mouth and head.

Oh what to do what to do....all I know is to pray....it's the only thing that gets me through it; the only "certain" I know when life throws curveballs at me.  Bruce is the BIGGEST curveball I have ever had to avoid and I am pretty proud to say that I am REALLY REALLY good at avoiding what he throws at me.  But when it comes to my boys and his "all about me attitude" I really do flip out.  Luckily I don't react outwardly like I used to with him.  I just do it by writing like this or going in my bedroom and pounding the hell out of my pillow all the while imagining it is his FACE!!!!  I breath, pray, regroup and enter back into my reality of "single momhood".

Boy what a day.  Thanks for allowing me to share once again!  And may God Bless you on your Journey in Progress!

~Terri

Hmmmmmmmmm????????

"There's no substitue for being real"






hmmmmmm? I saw this today and it got me thinking about so many things. What does this truely mean? I contemplated on it for quite some time. I've discovered that being "real" is like "reality". I never lived in true realty, I was in denial about ALOT of things, had a HUGE EGO/PRIDE whatever you want to call it. Not sure what it took for me to get "real" ....maybe the years of mental abuse, maybe my hitting my rock bottom and FINALLY seeing God (truely seeing God) for the first time in my entire life. I'm not sure but I know that I have finally got it right. I am in no way perfect or claim to be (although some may talk behind my back and say I have a Holier Than Thou attitude), the old me would have said a few choice words about them behind THEIR back, but their words I'm told about don't affect me anymore. I have admitted my faults to God and to the people I have hurt and I am at peace with myself. I can't help but wonder though about a few new people in my life if what they say is "real" or not. They talk a big game and I want to believe all that is said to me but I am so very cautious. I have come along way in the last 2 years and I don't ever want to go back to my "old ways". It has taken me years to create those "old ways" and I am learning "new" ways every day. But just like an addict, we have tendencies to return to those "old ways". It's sort of a comfort, what is familiar. I am fighting with every bit of me to not give in to those old ways and just Live & Let Live. These people I have referenced .....I need to set my boundries and be ok with sticking to them and deciding who I should let in and if I do let them in only do it when it's good for me.  If they don't like the boundries that I have set for them, then they can be on their way.  I deserve to be treated the way I want to be treated so I guess as I get to know them better, time will tell if they are being "real" with me or not. I have to continue to not have expectations of them and like I said Live and Let Live.
Oh well....The "real" me if finally back and I absolutely love it. I will continue to take one day at a time and Trust that God has my back and will catch me if I fall again.  How about you?  Are you "real"?......just sayin'
 
Thanks for reading!
 
 
May God continue to Bless you on your Journey in Progress!
~Terri   <3

Martyr No More!

Martha Washington once said...."the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispostions and not our circumstances."

Wow!!  isn't that so true!  Which leads me to a page I found today in my Alanon daily read; it says........


The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my  day unless I permit it.  Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth?  Could I possibly be getting some benefit from accepting humiliation?  Sometimes I wonder.   I played the martyr role for a long time.  My suffering brought me a lot of attention and pity.  I grew accustomed to blaming others for my problems, and I avoided taking responsibility for my own life.  In other words, I suspect I may have benefited from my pain.  But those benefits are no longer worth the price.  Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Alanon program.  There is a beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering.  I am learning to let that person blossom instead of hiding behind a cloak of suffering.  I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow and enjoy.

TODAY'S REMINDER:  There is so much to appreciate in this life.  I won't waste another moment feeling sorry for myself.



What a powerful story.  I think they wrote it about me.  I see my name all over this piece.  I was so the person reflected here.  I had way too much pride to ever DARE admit I was wrong in ANYTHING I said or did.  What a stressful way to live.  I was definately a martyr.  I used to call Bruce the martyr (and although he still is) I had to "admit to myself, to God and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs" (Step 5).  That was EXTREMELY hard for me to do.  First of all I'M ITALIAN.  We are loud, want to be heard and are clearly always right no matter what (oh and lets not forget that I am woman, too) LOL!  Anyway, I have overcome the humiliation and the suffering and it is the MOST FREEING I HAVE FELT IN YEARS!!!!  I am IMPORTANT and know that I will obtain whatever goals I set out to achieve.  No MORE feeling sorry for myself,,,,,that is long gone.  I am feeling very blessed for FINDING myself, a person who became lost over the last 16 years.  I love the person that I am and I love where I am at with my life.  I have been given so many blessings and am so grateful to God and to my friends for helping me through all the crap I had to overcome.  My life is BEAUTIFUL just like me!!!

May God continue to Bless you on your Journey In Progress!  <3
~Terri

Just gotta bitch.....

Why do men think that if a marriage comes to an end so does their responsiblity as a father does too?  It drives me nuts.  I am so sick of the narcisistic person I am STILL FRIGGIN MARRIED TO and I am so sick of the irresponsibility Bruce has with our children.  He gets them every other weekend.....that amounts to 4 days a month I must point out.  And he wonders why Tyler, our oldest, doesn't want much to do with him.  He is such a twisted man....after being separated for almost 2 years, this man blames me every time his checking account is overdrawn!!!!!  WFT....how crazy can alcoholics be????  That's typical of most alcoholics who have not turned themselves over to God and walk into recover....blame blame blame and cetainly will NOT EVER accept responsiblity for their wrong doings.  Such an idiot!!!!  Additionally, we have created a separation agreement but yet he won't sign it, but yet he runs around with 4 different women!!!  WTF!!!????  It's just another way for him to still try to use the mental control......but I cannot and WILL NOT let him get me down.....I have worked to damn hard to get to this point in my life and I WILL BE DAMNED if I let all the emotional abuse take over my life again.  I have put the worry in a box (thank you Shelley) and when the time is right, our divorce will happen.  Until then, if he is stupid enough to still be connected with me then he is connected all the way around including the financial connection.  He is really pretty dumb if you ask me.  Anyway, I could go on and on but it doesn't do anyone any good if I set out to beat his stupid ass.  My kids are the most important thing, as you all know, so I need to turn the attention back to me and continue to stay sane in order for them to continue to thrive like they are doing. 

I have written below a part of the reading in today's "One Day At A Time" book.....I felt it fit perfectly for what I have been feeling lately......


Self love is the source of hostility and arrogance, the big ego around which everything must revolve.  It can make you unable to see any other view but your own.  It is the mark of a mind which is closed for real feelings for others.  Love of self, on the other hand, carries out the commandment, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."  We can love others and help them, only when we are at peace with ouselves.  When we appreciate our own dignity and value as human beings, we are better able to have compassion for others.

TODAY'S REMINDER.......  self love often wears a mask of false humility beihnd which we exaggerate our own importance, and justify the wrongs we do to others.   True humility comes from love of self, which is the realization of ourselves as we really are.

"Resolve to be thyself and know that he who finds himself loses his misery"

When I read this I immediately thought of Bruce.  He has never accepted responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage.  He blames me for ALL of it.  He continually points the finger at me over and over  and over again to make himself look like the martyr or the one who was hurt or the whoa is me I have nothing and she took my family from me person.   All I know is that "those who mind don't matter and those who matter dont mind".....through this journey of mine, it has been made clear to me who my "True" friends are and who aren't.  Therefore, he can say what he wants in front of who he wants to put the blame on me, but the people who are my true friends, know the truth and love me for my wrong doings and still love me for the person I am becoming.  After all this bitching and complaining, I continue to pray for Bruce because there is nothing else I can do - it's his journey for him to fail or prevail.  Technically I am still his wife and although I know in my heart I am better off without him in my life, it is still my responsiblity to pray for him so I will continue to do so. 

Don't know if this made any sense!!!   But thanks for reading this jumble up bunch of crap.  I just needed to vent and get it off my mind once and for all.  Thanks and may God Bless you on your journey in progess!!

Love,
Terri <3

What About You??

The group that made Jesus angriest was one that He outwardly resembled.  Jesus obeyed the Mosaic Law & quoted leading Parisees.  Yet He singled out the Parisees for His strongest attacks.  He called them serpents, a brood of vipers, fools and hypocrites.  What provoked such outbursts?  The Pharisees devoted their lives to following God, gave away an exact tithe, obeyed every law in the Torah and sent out missionaries to gain new converts.  Against the relativists and secularists of the first century, they held firm to tradional values.  Yet Jesus' fierce denunciations of the Parisees show how seriously He viewed the toxic threat of legalism.  Its dangers are elusive, slippery, hard to pin down.   Jesus condemned the emphasis on externals, "You cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence."  Expression of love for God has become ways to impress others.  The proof of spiritual maturity is not how "pure" you are but your awareness of your impurity.  That very awareness opens the door to God's grace.


I found this in my Daily Bread book and it really made me stop and think about myself.  There is one thing that sticks out in this writing.....1) Expression of love for God has become ways to impress others.  It really made me stop and think about my spirituality and what is means to me.  I admit there have been many times in my life when I referenced my religion or enlarged the truth about my walk with God just to impress somebody.  How about you?????  Take a good look at your walk with God.....can you honestly say that you walk the walk and talk the talk equally?  When we admit to God that we are powerless, (in essence our awareness of our impurities) the grace of God will DEFINATELY enter your life.  Using God as a way to impress others is simply not right.  Our walk should be our own because we want and desire Him.  Our relationship should be intimate....face to face not side by side!  When we can TRULY live our life this way, the blessings will pour into our lives in ways you can't even imagine.  God is an awesome God and has shown me over and over again that With Him All Things Are Possible........Just Believe!

May God Bless all of you on your "Journey In Progress"!

Be Good To Yourself

I've written below a page from one of my daily devotional books.....


Among the many things we learn in our contact with the Alanon fellowship is this: "Be Good To Yourself".


This is a suprisingly hard assignment for many of us. Some relish their sufferings so much that everything that happens is ballooned to enormous proportions in the re-living and the telling. Self-pitiers are difficult to wean away from their martyrdom until the joys of serentiy and contentment dawn on them in Alanon.


Others nurse their grievances, resent their lot in life and seek scapegoats to blame for everything that happens to them. They have not learned to be good to themselves. They still have before them the joyous experience of letting go of a problem ~the lovely adventure of shrugging off "hurts".

TODAYS REMINDERS SAY THIS......How happy and useful I could be if I weren't carrying around such a load of unpleasant emotional turmoil. No one asks me to, so why do I?

Although I have gone through what is expressed in this reading in my past, my recovery has taught me differently. But.... after reading this I can't help but think of several people in my life (both close friends and others that I know) who live like this on a daily basis (and not just the alcoholic in my life). Being in Alanon is not just healing me and making me a better, more confident woman but it makes me see things more "clearly". Especially the actions of others. I am not judging them because God knows that I have so many defects to still work on myself and probably won't get to all of them in my lifetime. I just look at these people and know in my heart that even though I may love, care or am interested in them, I cannot continue to associate myself with them in the way that will bring me "down". I have spent far too much time feeling badly about what people think of me or about who I was and what I have done. I have been criticized by other and still to this day am being criticized by several friends. And with all this, I may have simply lost perspective and become overly hard on myself. Today I have the opportunity to stop that kind of self-destructive thinking. Nothing that these people have said about me, hid from me, taken sides against me (even though they say sides are not taken), assumed about me will NOT bring me down again. I have stopped expecting them to be the way I hoped they would be with me. I am not their guide, their master or keeper. They are individuals who must find their lonely way to their goals. The gift of life is personally theirs and mine, to enjoy or destroy, as each of us wish. I wish and have chosen to enjoy mine.Very little that happens in my daily encounters is worth my worry, resentment or feeling sorry for myself. If I am always ready to take offense and be hurt, I'm selling my contentment very cheaply. I must remember to be good to myself. It takes time for old doubts to fade and wounds heal. Self-confidence comes slowly but it grows with practice. I can begin by acknowledging that I do have postive qualities, no matter what others think of me. If something that has been said about me, something that I may feel or something that may be implied about me, I will make the extra effort to counteract those comments with positive thoughts. With my determination for serenty, I will learn how to still have compassion for these people but keep them at a far enough distance to ensure that I will achieve my serenty. With practice, I continue to learn to treat myself with gentleness. I have many admirable qualities and I owe it to myself to let them shine. Today I will remember that no matter what others say or think about me, I am a terrific human being.




May God Bless all of you on your "Journey In Progress"!


~Terri

Choices

If I don't want to be a doormat, I have to get up off the floor. In others words, although I can't control what other people say, do or think, I am responsible for my choices.  Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.  Today I know that I am not helpless. I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thoughts or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest.  I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead. That's where I can make changes.



May God Bless you on your "Journey In Progress"!

~Terri