Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Just gotta bitch.....

Why do men think that if a marriage comes to an end so does their responsiblity as a father does too?  It drives me nuts.  I am so sick of the narcisistic person I am STILL FRIGGIN MARRIED TO and I am so sick of the irresponsibility Bruce has with our children.  He gets them every other weekend.....that amounts to 4 days a month I must point out.  And he wonders why Tyler, our oldest, doesn't want much to do with him.  He is such a twisted man....after being separated for almost 2 years, this man blames me every time his checking account is overdrawn!!!!!  WFT....how crazy can alcoholics be????  That's typical of most alcoholics who have not turned themselves over to God and walk into recover....blame blame blame and cetainly will NOT EVER accept responsiblity for their wrong doings.  Such an idiot!!!!  Additionally, we have created a separation agreement but yet he won't sign it, but yet he runs around with 4 different women!!!  WTF!!!????  It's just another way for him to still try to use the mental control......but I cannot and WILL NOT let him get me down.....I have worked to damn hard to get to this point in my life and I WILL BE DAMNED if I let all the emotional abuse take over my life again.  I have put the worry in a box (thank you Shelley) and when the time is right, our divorce will happen.  Until then, if he is stupid enough to still be connected with me then he is connected all the way around including the financial connection.  He is really pretty dumb if you ask me.  Anyway, I could go on and on but it doesn't do anyone any good if I set out to beat his stupid ass.  My kids are the most important thing, as you all know, so I need to turn the attention back to me and continue to stay sane in order for them to continue to thrive like they are doing. 

I have written below a part of the reading in today's "One Day At A Time" book.....I felt it fit perfectly for what I have been feeling lately......

Self love is the source of hostility and arrogance, the big ego around which everything must revolve.  It can make you unable to see any other view but your own.  It is the mark of a mind which is closed for real feelings for others.  Love of self, on the other hand, carries out the commandment, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."  We can love others and help them, only when we are at peace with ouselves.  When we appreciate our own dignity and value as human beings, we are better able to have compassion for others.

TODAY'S REMINDER.......  self love often wears a mask of false humility beihnd which we exaggerate our own importance, and justify the wrongs we do to others.   True humility comes from love of self, which is the realization of ourselves as we really are.

"Resolve to be thyself and know that he who finds himself loses his misery"

When I read this I immediately thought of Bruce.  He has never accepted responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage.  He blames me for ALL of it.  He continually points the finger at me over and over  and over again to make himself look like the martyr or the one who was hurt or the whoa is me I have nothing and she took my family from me person.   All I know is that "those who mind don't matter and those who matter dont mind".....through this journey of mine, it has been made clear to me who my "True" friends are and who aren't.  Therefore, he can say what he wants in front of who he wants to put the blame on me, but the people who are my true friends, know the truth and love me for my wrong doings and still love me for the person I am becoming.  After all this bitching and complaining, I continue to pray for Bruce because there is nothing else I can do - it's his journey for him to fail or prevail.  Technically I am still his wife and although I know in my heart I am better off without him in my life, it is still my responsiblity to pray for him so I will continue to do so. 

Don't know if this made any sense!!!   But thanks for reading this jumble up bunch of crap.  I just needed to vent and get it off my mind once and for all.  Thanks and may God Bless you on your journey in progess!!

Terri <3