Saturday, February 27, 2010

Ok I'm calm now!

So it's Saturday - my baby boy Eric has been throwing up all day long.  Poor poor baby heart aches for him.  So he calls his dad (Bruce) to tell him how he had been throwing up all day.  His dad says he's sorry. Then Eric goes, "Can you come over after work and play with me?" Bruce says, "No sorry I can't do that I don't want to get sick.  Dad has a job and has to work and if I come around you I will get sick". I must add that he is HIS OWN FREAKIN' BOSS!  WTF!!  I guess it doesn't matter if I am around him because ya know I DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN' JOB NOW DO I????!!!!   WTF!!!  It's always been that way with Bruce.  Anyway it gets better read on......

So the day goes on and Tyler had been expecting his dad to come pick him so they could go to the YMCA to work out.  Then Tyler tells me that he wouldn't be coming by because Eric is sick!!!  Now here goes the Bipoler in he probably starts to feel guilty so the next thing I knew there's a knock at the front door and's none other than Bruce. So he comes in (with a half drank beer I might add) and sits across the room and starts talking to Eric.  They small talk for about 2 or 3 minutes  and I hear Eric say, "Daddy, can you stay for a while?" Bruce's response, "No buddy sorry I can't I don't want to get sick. You've been sick all day and I don't want to get sick".  AGAIN WTF?????  UGGHHHHHH!  So I blurted out in my frustration, "Ok Ok we get it YOU DON"T WANNA GET SICK....enough already, the kid feels bad enough and just wants a little of your love and all you can do is remind him that YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SICK!!!!!!"  So now he is giving me the evil stare!!!  Like I care!  Then he looks at me and says, "So what do you think he has?"  ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!  I said, " He has the sniffles, what the heck do you think he has????  The STOMACH FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I am utterly amazed!!!!  This man will be 50 years old in a month - ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS!  Maybe if he put down the beer bottle and stopped smokin' the dope, things would be a little clearer for him.  But that's not gonna happen LIKE EVER!!!! so I learn to deal but when days like today come along it is all I can do to control my temper without (excuse my language) FLIPPIN THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

At that point after I said that he stood up, said "I love you Eric" and walked out the door.  A few minutes later Eric sits up looks out the window and says, "Where did Daddy go?"  I said he had to leave and Eric says," Why didn't he say goodbye to me?"  HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT - TELL ME HOW WITHOUT MAKING HIM FEEL WORSE THAN THE POOR KID ALREADY DOES BECAUSE HIS ASSHOLE OF A FATHER LET HIS ANGER TOWARDS ME ONCE AGAIN TAKE OVER FROM DOING THE "RIGHT" THING!!!  I just sat down next to him and gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him.

Finally, Tyler comes in 30 minutes later from skateboarding with his friends out front.  He said, "Did you see Dad walk in with a beer?"  I said yes. He said, "yeah Alex (his friend) said ..."dude your dad is drunk!!"  WOW.....all I could say to Tyler is that I was sorry and that  I loved him.  He is such a good good kid.  He just says I know mom I love you too.  Breaks my heart, just simply breaks my heart. 

I have been struggling sooooo  bad since Bruce left to not pick up the phone & tell his sorry ass off, but it wouldn't do me any good because he would just deny everything and turn it back around like it was my fault (that's called alcoholism!)  .....I keep hearing Suzie say, "breathe.....inandoutinandoutinandout!!!!"  I too, like Suzie, was so worked up I thought I was going to inhale my kitchen coutertops!!!!!!  What a complete and utter idiot.  I hate feeling and thinking these things.  I have worked so hard to not let them take me over but some days....such as today....when his narsistic, arragont ways just piss me the fuck offfffff!  Oh Lord I am truly sorry for the words and the thoughts that have been flipping around my mouth and head.

Oh what to do what to do....all I know is to's the only thing that gets me through it; the only "certain" I know when life throws curveballs at me.  Bruce is the BIGGEST curveball I have ever had to avoid and I am pretty proud to say that I am REALLY REALLY good at avoiding what he throws at me.  But when it comes to my boys and his "all about me attitude" I really do flip out.  Luckily I don't react outwardly like I used to with him.  I just do it by writing like this or going in my bedroom and pounding the hell out of my pillow all the while imagining it is his FACE!!!!  I breath, pray, regroup and enter back into my reality of "single momhood".

Boy what a day.  Thanks for allowing me to share once again!  And may God Bless you on your Journey in Progress!


Wednesday, February 3, 2010


"There's no substitue for being real"

hmmmmmm? I saw this today and it got me thinking about so many things. What does this truely mean? I contemplated on it for quite some time. I've discovered that being "real" is like "reality". I never lived in true realty, I was in denial about ALOT of things, had a HUGE EGO/PRIDE whatever you want to call it. Not sure what it took for me to get "real" ....maybe the years of mental abuse, maybe my hitting my rock bottom and FINALLY seeing God (truely seeing God) for the first time in my entire life. I'm not sure but I know that I have finally got it right. I am in no way perfect or claim to be (although some may talk behind my back and say I have a Holier Than Thou attitude), the old me would have said a few choice words about them behind THEIR back, but their words I'm told about don't affect me anymore. I have admitted my faults to God and to the people I have hurt and I am at peace with myself. I can't help but wonder though about a few new people in my life if what they say is "real" or not. They talk a big game and I want to believe all that is said to me but I am so very cautious. I have come along way in the last 2 years and I don't ever want to go back to my "old ways". It has taken me years to create those "old ways" and I am learning "new" ways every day. But just like an addict, we have tendencies to return to those "old ways". It's sort of a comfort, what is familiar. I am fighting with every bit of me to not give in to those old ways and just Live & Let Live. These people I have referenced .....I need to set my boundries and be ok with sticking to them and deciding who I should let in and if I do let them in only do it when it's good for me.  If they don't like the boundries that I have set for them, then they can be on their way.  I deserve to be treated the way I want to be treated so I guess as I get to know them better, time will tell if they are being "real" with me or not. I have to continue to not have expectations of them and like I said Live and Let Live.
Oh well....The "real" me if finally back and I absolutely love it. I will continue to take one day at a time and Trust that God has my back and will catch me if I fall again.  How about you?  Are you "real"?......just sayin'
Thanks for reading!
May God continue to Bless you on your Journey in Progress!
~Terri   <3

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Martyr No More!

Martha Washington once said...."the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispostions and not our circumstances."

Wow!!  isn't that so true!  Which leads me to a page I found today in my Alanon daily read; it says........

The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my  day unless I permit it.  Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth?  Could I possibly be getting some benefit from accepting humiliation?  Sometimes I wonder.   I played the martyr role for a long time.  My suffering brought me a lot of attention and pity.  I grew accustomed to blaming others for my problems, and I avoided taking responsibility for my own life.  In other words, I suspect I may have benefited from my pain.  But those benefits are no longer worth the price.  Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Alanon program.  There is a beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering.  I am learning to let that person blossom instead of hiding behind a cloak of suffering.  I don't want to miss any more of the wonderful opportunities available to me to live, grow and enjoy.

TODAY'S REMINDER:  There is so much to appreciate in this life.  I won't waste another moment feeling sorry for myself.

What a powerful story.  I think they wrote it about me.  I see my name all over this piece.  I was so the person reflected here.  I had way too much pride to ever DARE admit I was wrong in ANYTHING I said or did.  What a stressful way to live.  I was definately a martyr.  I used to call Bruce the martyr (and although he still is) I had to "admit to myself, to God and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs" (Step 5).  That was EXTREMELY hard for me to do.  First of all I'M ITALIAN.  We are loud, want to be heard and are clearly always right no matter what (oh and lets not forget that I am woman, too) LOL!  Anyway, I have overcome the humiliation and the suffering and it is the MOST FREEING I HAVE FELT IN YEARS!!!!  I am IMPORTANT and know that I will obtain whatever goals I set out to achieve.  No MORE feeling sorry for myself,,,,,that is long gone.  I am feeling very blessed for FINDING myself, a person who became lost over the last 16 years.  I love the person that I am and I love where I am at with my life.  I have been given so many blessings and am so grateful to God and to my friends for helping me through all the crap I had to overcome.  My life is BEAUTIFUL just like me!!!

May God continue to Bless you on your Journey In Progress!  <3