Saturday, February 27, 2010

Ok I'm calm now!

So it's Saturday - my baby boy Eric has been throwing up all day long.  Poor poor baby heart aches for him.  So he calls his dad (Bruce) to tell him how he had been throwing up all day.  His dad says he's sorry. Then Eric goes, "Can you come over after work and play with me?" Bruce says, "No sorry I can't do that I don't want to get sick.  Dad has a job and has to work and if I come around you I will get sick". I must add that he is HIS OWN FREAKIN' BOSS!  WTF!!  I guess it doesn't matter if I am around him because ya know I DON'T HAVE A FREAKIN' JOB NOW DO I????!!!!   WTF!!!  It's always been that way with Bruce.  Anyway it gets better read on......

So the day goes on and Tyler had been expecting his dad to come pick him so they could go to the YMCA to work out.  Then Tyler tells me that he wouldn't be coming by because Eric is sick!!!  Now here goes the Bipoler in he probably starts to feel guilty so the next thing I knew there's a knock at the front door and's none other than Bruce. So he comes in (with a half drank beer I might add) and sits across the room and starts talking to Eric.  They small talk for about 2 or 3 minutes  and I hear Eric say, "Daddy, can you stay for a while?" Bruce's response, "No buddy sorry I can't I don't want to get sick. You've been sick all day and I don't want to get sick".  AGAIN WTF?????  UGGHHHHHH!  So I blurted out in my frustration, "Ok Ok we get it YOU DON"T WANNA GET SICK....enough already, the kid feels bad enough and just wants a little of your love and all you can do is remind him that YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SICK!!!!!!"  So now he is giving me the evil stare!!!  Like I care!  Then he looks at me and says, "So what do you think he has?"  ARE YOU FREAKIN SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!  I said, " He has the sniffles, what the heck do you think he has????  The STOMACH FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I am utterly amazed!!!!  This man will be 50 years old in a month - ABSOLUTELY CLUELESS!  Maybe if he put down the beer bottle and stopped smokin' the dope, things would be a little clearer for him.  But that's not gonna happen LIKE EVER!!!! so I learn to deal but when days like today come along it is all I can do to control my temper without (excuse my language) FLIPPIN THE FUCK OUT!!!!!

At that point after I said that he stood up, said "I love you Eric" and walked out the door.  A few minutes later Eric sits up looks out the window and says, "Where did Daddy go?"  I said he had to leave and Eric says," Why didn't he say goodbye to me?"  HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THAT - TELL ME HOW WITHOUT MAKING HIM FEEL WORSE THAN THE POOR KID ALREADY DOES BECAUSE HIS ASSHOLE OF A FATHER LET HIS ANGER TOWARDS ME ONCE AGAIN TAKE OVER FROM DOING THE "RIGHT" THING!!!  I just sat down next to him and gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him.

Finally, Tyler comes in 30 minutes later from skateboarding with his friends out front.  He said, "Did you see Dad walk in with a beer?"  I said yes. He said, "yeah Alex (his friend) said ..."dude your dad is drunk!!"  WOW.....all I could say to Tyler is that I was sorry and that  I loved him.  He is such a good good kid.  He just says I know mom I love you too.  Breaks my heart, just simply breaks my heart. 

I have been struggling sooooo  bad since Bruce left to not pick up the phone & tell his sorry ass off, but it wouldn't do me any good because he would just deny everything and turn it back around like it was my fault (that's called alcoholism!)  .....I keep hearing Suzie say, "breathe.....inandoutinandoutinandout!!!!"  I too, like Suzie, was so worked up I thought I was going to inhale my kitchen coutertops!!!!!!  What a complete and utter idiot.  I hate feeling and thinking these things.  I have worked so hard to not let them take me over but some days....such as today....when his narsistic, arragont ways just piss me the fuck offfffff!  Oh Lord I am truly sorry for the words and the thoughts that have been flipping around my mouth and head.

Oh what to do what to do....all I know is to's the only thing that gets me through it; the only "certain" I know when life throws curveballs at me.  Bruce is the BIGGEST curveball I have ever had to avoid and I am pretty proud to say that I am REALLY REALLY good at avoiding what he throws at me.  But when it comes to my boys and his "all about me attitude" I really do flip out.  Luckily I don't react outwardly like I used to with him.  I just do it by writing like this or going in my bedroom and pounding the hell out of my pillow all the while imagining it is his FACE!!!!  I breath, pray, regroup and enter back into my reality of "single momhood".

Boy what a day.  Thanks for allowing me to share once again!  And may God Bless you on your Journey in Progress!