Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Just gotta bitch.....

Why do men think that if a marriage comes to an end so does their responsiblity as a father does too?  It drives me nuts.  I am so sick of the narcisistic person I am STILL FRIGGIN MARRIED TO and I am so sick of the irresponsibility Bruce has with our children.  He gets them every other weekend.....that amounts to 4 days a month I must point out.  And he wonders why Tyler, our oldest, doesn't want much to do with him.  He is such a twisted man....after being separated for almost 2 years, this man blames me every time his checking account is overdrawn!!!!!  WFT....how crazy can alcoholics be????  That's typical of most alcoholics who have not turned themselves over to God and walk into recover....blame blame blame and cetainly will NOT EVER accept responsiblity for their wrong doings.  Such an idiot!!!!  Additionally, we have created a separation agreement but yet he won't sign it, but yet he runs around with 4 different women!!!  WTF!!!????  It's just another way for him to still try to use the mental control......but I cannot and WILL NOT let him get me down.....I have worked to damn hard to get to this point in my life and I WILL BE DAMNED if I let all the emotional abuse take over my life again.  I have put the worry in a box (thank you Shelley) and when the time is right, our divorce will happen.  Until then, if he is stupid enough to still be connected with me then he is connected all the way around including the financial connection.  He is really pretty dumb if you ask me.  Anyway, I could go on and on but it doesn't do anyone any good if I set out to beat his stupid ass.  My kids are the most important thing, as you all know, so I need to turn the attention back to me and continue to stay sane in order for them to continue to thrive like they are doing. 

I have written below a part of the reading in today's "One Day At A Time" book.....I felt it fit perfectly for what I have been feeling lately......

Self love is the source of hostility and arrogance, the big ego around which everything must revolve.  It can make you unable to see any other view but your own.  It is the mark of a mind which is closed for real feelings for others.  Love of self, on the other hand, carries out the commandment, "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."  We can love others and help them, only when we are at peace with ouselves.  When we appreciate our own dignity and value as human beings, we are better able to have compassion for others.

TODAY'S REMINDER.......  self love often wears a mask of false humility beihnd which we exaggerate our own importance, and justify the wrongs we do to others.   True humility comes from love of self, which is the realization of ourselves as we really are.

"Resolve to be thyself and know that he who finds himself loses his misery"

When I read this I immediately thought of Bruce.  He has never accepted responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage.  He blames me for ALL of it.  He continually points the finger at me over and over  and over again to make himself look like the martyr or the one who was hurt or the whoa is me I have nothing and she took my family from me person.   All I know is that "those who mind don't matter and those who matter dont mind".....through this journey of mine, it has been made clear to me who my "True" friends are and who aren't.  Therefore, he can say what he wants in front of who he wants to put the blame on me, but the people who are my true friends, know the truth and love me for my wrong doings and still love me for the person I am becoming.  After all this bitching and complaining, I continue to pray for Bruce because there is nothing else I can do - it's his journey for him to fail or prevail.  Technically I am still his wife and although I know in my heart I am better off without him in my life, it is still my responsiblity to pray for him so I will continue to do so. 

Don't know if this made any sense!!!   But thanks for reading this jumble up bunch of crap.  I just needed to vent and get it off my mind once and for all.  Thanks and may God Bless you on your journey in progess!!

Terri <3

Friday, September 25, 2009

What About You??

The group that made Jesus angriest was one that He outwardly resembled.  Jesus obeyed the Mosaic Law & quoted leading Parisees.  Yet He singled out the Parisees for His strongest attacks.  He called them serpents, a brood of vipers, fools and hypocrites.  What provoked such outbursts?  The Pharisees devoted their lives to following God, gave away an exact tithe, obeyed every law in the Torah and sent out missionaries to gain new converts.  Against the relativists and secularists of the first century, they held firm to tradional values.  Yet Jesus' fierce denunciations of the Parisees show how seriously He viewed the toxic threat of legalism.  Its dangers are elusive, slippery, hard to pin down.   Jesus condemned the emphasis on externals, "You cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence."  Expression of love for God has become ways to impress others.  The proof of spiritual maturity is not how "pure" you are but your awareness of your impurity.  That very awareness opens the door to God's grace.

I found this in my Daily Bread book and it really made me stop and think about myself.  There is one thing that sticks out in this writing.....1) Expression of love for God has become ways to impress others.  It really made me stop and think about my spirituality and what is means to me.  I admit there have been many times in my life when I referenced my religion or enlarged the truth about my walk with God just to impress somebody.  How about you?????  Take a good look at your walk with God.....can you honestly say that you walk the walk and talk the talk equally?  When we admit to God that we are powerless, (in essence our awareness of our impurities) the grace of God will DEFINATELY enter your life.  Using God as a way to impress others is simply not right.  Our walk should be our own because we want and desire Him.  Our relationship should be intimate....face to face not side by side!  When we can TRULY live our life this way, the blessings will pour into our lives in ways you can't even imagine.  God is an awesome God and has shown me over and over again that With Him All Things Are Possible........Just Believe!

May God Bless all of you on your "Journey In Progress"!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Be Good To Yourself

I've written below a page from one of my daily devotional books.....

Among the many things we learn in our contact with the Alanon fellowship is this: "Be Good To Yourself".

This is a suprisingly hard assignment for many of us. Some relish their sufferings so much that everything that happens is ballooned to enormous proportions in the re-living and the telling. Self-pitiers are difficult to wean away from their martyrdom until the joys of serentiy and contentment dawn on them in Alanon.

Others nurse their grievances, resent their lot in life and seek scapegoats to blame for everything that happens to them. They have not learned to be good to themselves. They still have before them the joyous experience of letting go of a problem ~the lovely adventure of shrugging off "hurts".

TODAYS REMINDERS SAY THIS......How happy and useful I could be if I weren't carrying around such a load of unpleasant emotional turmoil. No one asks me to, so why do I?

Although I have gone through what is expressed in this reading in my past, my recovery has taught me differently. But.... after reading this I can't help but think of several people in my life (both close friends and others that I know) who live like this on a daily basis (and not just the alcoholic in my life). Being in Alanon is not just healing me and making me a better, more confident woman but it makes me see things more "clearly". Especially the actions of others. I am not judging them because God knows that I have so many defects to still work on myself and probably won't get to all of them in my lifetime. I just look at these people and know in my heart that even though I may love, care or am interested in them, I cannot continue to associate myself with them in the way that will bring me "down". I have spent far too much time feeling badly about what people think of me or about who I was and what I have done. I have been criticized by other and still to this day am being criticized by several friends. And with all this, I may have simply lost perspective and become overly hard on myself. Today I have the opportunity to stop that kind of self-destructive thinking. Nothing that these people have said about me, hid from me, taken sides against me (even though they say sides are not taken), assumed about me will NOT bring me down again. I have stopped expecting them to be the way I hoped they would be with me. I am not their guide, their master or keeper. They are individuals who must find their lonely way to their goals. The gift of life is personally theirs and mine, to enjoy or destroy, as each of us wish. I wish and have chosen to enjoy mine.Very little that happens in my daily encounters is worth my worry, resentment or feeling sorry for myself. If I am always ready to take offense and be hurt, I'm selling my contentment very cheaply. I must remember to be good to myself. It takes time for old doubts to fade and wounds heal. Self-confidence comes slowly but it grows with practice. I can begin by acknowledging that I do have postive qualities, no matter what others think of me. If something that has been said about me, something that I may feel or something that may be implied about me, I will make the extra effort to counteract those comments with positive thoughts. With my determination for serenty, I will learn how to still have compassion for these people but keep them at a far enough distance to ensure that I will achieve my serenty. With practice, I continue to learn to treat myself with gentleness. I have many admirable qualities and I owe it to myself to let them shine. Today I will remember that no matter what others say or think about me, I am a terrific human being.

May God Bless all of you on your "Journey In Progress"!


Thursday, August 27, 2009


If I don't want to be a doormat, I have to get up off the floor. In others words, although I can't control what other people say, do or think, I am responsible for my choices.  Looking back, I can accept that plenty of unacceptable behavior was directed at me, but I was the one who sat and took it and often came back for more. I was a willing participant in a dance that required two partners. I felt like a victim, but in many ways I was a volunteer.  Today I know that I am not helpless. I have choices. When I get that old feeling that tells me I am a victim, I can regard it as a red flag, a warning that I may be participating (with my thoughts or my actions) in something that is not in my best interest.  I can resist the temptation to blame others and look to my own involvement instead. That's where I can make changes.

May God Bless you on your "Journey In Progress"!


A Little About Me

First, I would like to thank all of you for viewing my blog site.  If nothing else, hopefully you will find some strength in reading what I've written and know that all is not hopeless.

I am a single mom of 3 beautiful children.  They mean the world to me and am blessed and proud to say they are mine.  I have been through a journey over the last few years.  I am coming to the end of a divorce.  I have been married to an alcoholic for 16 years.  We separated in 2006, got back together in 2007.  Separated again in April of 2008 and we are nearing the end of our marriage.  I am not here to bad mouth my ex in any way.  I can honestly say that if I had not gone through this journey, I wouldn't be where I am at today, so for that I am grateful to him. 

His disease, alcoholism, has put a toll on both my children and myself.  On December 18, 2007, I hit rock bottom on an emotional level and after conversations with a few people and with my Pastor, I literally dropped to my knees and  cried out to God in a way I had never before done.  Since that time I have experienced an intimate relationship with God...Face to Face instead of Side by Side.

On January 2, 2008, I took my first step in my first Alanon meeting and a year and a 1/2 later here I am.  I have been through alot of counceling and still continue both that and attend my meetings.  I have learned so much about myself along the way.  I have had many set backs.... I second guessed my decision about my marriage (several times), been through some nasty court appearances and didn't know where my next dollar would come from.  All I can say is that through the grace of my Heavenly Father, God, I am where I am at today.  Now don't get me wrong.  I still struggle to make ends meet along with struggling with my emotional and physical well being, but now it's easier to go through it all because of my faith in God.

Everything I do each day is for my children.  I am a school bus driver and attend college full time.  I am studying to become a Massage Therapist and absolutely LOVE IT!!!  I have many goals in life but providing my children with a safe, healthy and stable home is my priority.  I will be in college through May-2010 and plan to start my own business as a Massage Therapist.  I know I will obtain my goals.  I have to think that way or I will sink into a corner and crumble.   Looking into my kids eyes keeps me motivated and on that journey to obtain my goals. 

I could say alot more, but will end for now.  If you want to know more, you are welcomed to ask.  May God Bless all of you on your "Journey In Progress"!



I have thought alot about creating a blog site. I have a friend who I dearly love suggest that I do this a while back. I have had his words in my head daily. I have a mypace and facebook account where I have written a lot of things. So after alot of thought and research here I am. My very own Blog account.

I have created this blog primarily as a diary of my journey in life, one that is in continual progress. What you will primarily read will be how I am feeling at that moment or that day or in that circumstance.  It may even be from something I have read during my daily devotional time and wish to pass on to you.   I don't proclaim to be any well-known writer with expert skills. I'm just an average, 44 year old woman who has experienced alot of "stuff" in life - both good and bad, happy and sad - and who is willing to put it out there for all of you to read. It is somewhat theraputic for me. Maybe it will help some of you, maybe not. It may piss some of you off, maybe not. Whatever the case may be, I hope you read and by all means comment.

Thanks again for visiting and may God Bless all of you on your "Journey in Progress"!